Wherein the author speculates about the future of conceptual art in the name of the Christie’s, the Charles Saatchi, the Holy Sotheby’s, Steve Wynn.
Tanner Bartholomew, fruit bruise remover at Ivor’s Cakes and Ices, begins collecting buckets filled with slices of rotted banana, apple, peach, mango, pear and watermelon in clear plastic containers in his parents’ shed. He leaves the door unlatched and the containers half-covered to attract fruit flies for breeding.
After three days, Tanner enters the shed wearing a pair of raincoats cut up and stapled together into a hazmat suit. He breathes with an air tank he traded at a pawn shop for a gold ring his mother never wears and he hopes she won’t remember owning. He soaked the mouthpiece in alcohol overnight to ward off disease. To harvest the flies, Tanner quickly snaps the container lids shut and pokes small holes in each through which he pours a quarter cup of chloroform.
Five minutes pass.
He bags the cleanest specimens and vacuum seals them, shipping them express to Damien Hirst‘s studio in Baja, Mexico, to be incorporated into his next round of paintings. Tanner includes an invoice in the package for $675000 dollars.